the waiting game...

well, last night i got a phone call from cheyne, my little brother, letting me know we have now moved into the waiting game with grandma. hospice took her off all her normal meds and started giving her morphine and all the good stuff to help her relax and be comfy. she hasn't eaten more than a few bites since friday and refuses to drink anything. she cries in pain when they try to bathe her. they had to drug her up before they even gave her a sponge bath in bed. you can't really understand anything she says because she just whispers and mumbles. it is so hard to see her this way.

it was even harder watching the realization set in with grandpa that this is the end. he hates watching his 'wild ruthie' be in so much pain, and it will be so hard on him when she passes. he hasn't ever known anything but her since the 3rd grade. oh, how i loved to watch him throw her into a dip and plant a big kiss on her lips. she would turn bright red and scold him for doing 'that' in front of the kids. if only i could have frozen them in that minute i would have.

i was crying when i walked out of her room and kamryn saw me wiping the tears away...

kamryn: are you crying mom?

me: yes.

kamryn: why? is it because grandma is dying?

me: yes.

kamryn: mom, but she's only going to live with heavenly father. why is that sad?

me: because i will miss her. i love grandma and when she leaves us it will be a long time before we get to see her again.

kamryn: but mom, she won't hurt anymore. you don't want her to hurt do you? it will be okay. heavenly father will make it okay.

if only i could comfort myself and everyone around us as well as my 5 year old can. i hope she always has the faith she has right this minute!!!!